Political satire. Remarkable confidence.
The Perfect
Patriot

The Perfect Patriot

All the
confidence.
None of the
homework.

A firm handshake.
A very loose grasp of the details.

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Explore Perks of the Office

The Perfect Patriot: a grinning mustached mascot in flag aviators, a MERICA cap and flag tank top, with an eagle spreading its wings behind him.

Patriot Provisions

Supplies for the
proudly unprepared.

The second collection

Perks of the Office.

He came to serve. Himself, mostly. Six shirts about the comforts, loopholes, and flexible principles of public service.

Comfort Colors 1717 · Eight colors · S–4XL · Front print · $25 in every size. Artwork previews shown.

Front artworkThe flag-clad Perfect Patriot relaxes in a bubbling hot tub with a patriotic drink and rubber duck. The slogan reads: I drained the swamp. Put in a hot tub.

Swamp Hot Tub Tee

$25

The swamp renovation is complete: same murky dealings, now with jets. He came to clean up Washington and stayed for the hydrotherapy.

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Front artworkThe Perfect Patriot points to an Easy Payments form beside envelopes labeled Payment 1, Payment 2 and Payment 3. The slogan reads: I can’t be bought. I offer financing.

Offer Financing Tee

$25

Integrity should be accessible. That’s why he offers convenient monthly payments on his. A little money in politics? Please. This is a full-service financing department.

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Front artworkThe Perfect Patriot pours money from red and blue Stop Them buckets into a Campaign Fund bag. The slogan reads: United we stand. Divided I fundraise.

Divided I Fundraise Tee

$25

Red bucket. Blue bucket. Both empty into the same account. While everyone else argues about saving the country, he’s having his best fundraising quarter yet.

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Front artworkThe Perfect Patriot reclines above a building marked Law. The slogan reads: No one is above the law. I’m adding a second floor.

Above the Law Tee

$25

Better views. Fewer interruptions. He’s given the courthouse an executive suite and reserved the top floor for himself.

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Front artworkThe Perfect Patriot eats a steak meal beside an Expense Account sign. The slogan reads: Tighten your belts. I’m expensing lunch.

Expensing Lunch Tee

$25

The austerity speech comes with a loaded potato. He’ll pick up the fork; the expense account can handle the rest.

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Front artworkThe flag-clad Perfect Patriot proudly taps a generic phone. The slogan reads: Loose lips sink ships. I text. The approved badge and website signature appear below.

I Text Tee

$25

Loose lips are an old-fashioned problem. He has a phone. The Perfect Patriot is certain he has found a loophole.

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The original collection

Remarkably Certain.

Six punchlines.

Choose your color and size on the product page, then check out through Fourthwall.

Order nowThe flag-clad Perfect Patriot grins while holding an empty wallet and a separate long receipt beneath the words I won the trade war. My wallet surrendered.

Wallet Surrendered Tee

$25

Victory speech: ready. Wallet: empty. Our hero won the trade war so convincingly that his groceries now qualify as luxury goods. Please direct all questions to the receipt.

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Order nowThe Perfect Patriot wears a flag-patterned collared shirt and draws a winding red boundary on a fictional map beneath the words Let the voters decide. I'll draw the lines.

District Designer Tee

$25

Why change your platform when you can change the shape of a county? Armed with a marker and a flexible understanding of democracy, he’s giving every voter a voice. Some voices will be in the next district.

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Order nowI LIKE MY GOVERNMENT SMALL. SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT IN YOUR PANTS.

Small Government Tee

$25

A big believer in small government. Especially when it fits in your pants. Magnifying glass in hand, he’s cutting red tape for a closer look. Privacy apparently falls under unnecessary spending.

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Order nowLIVE AND LET LIVE. PENDING MY APPROVAL.

Live and Let Live Tee

$25

Your cookout has been referred to the Committee on Minding Your Business. Expect one oversized stamp and a very official hamburger. Freedom will resume once he’s comfortable with it.

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Front artworkThe flag-clad Perfect Patriot waves from behind a red velvet rope. A man of the people. Members only. The Perfect Patriot badge and website below.

Members Only Tee

$25

A man of the people. The people are just on the other side of the velvet rope. Membership has its privileges; he appointed himself to all of them.

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Comfort Colors 1717 · S–4XL · Front print · Black, Navy, Pepper, Hemp, Denim, Brick, Blue Jean and Ivory. Shipping is additional. Front artworks shown. See each product for sizing and delivery details.

Meet the attitude

He’s got answers.
Don’t ask
questions.

He’s got a big grin, a bigger opinion, and the instructions upside down.

Original character comedy and political satire. He’ll explain everything. Reading the instructions is somebody else’s department.

Look closely. He probably didn’t.

The Official Statement

Get the next
punchline.

More patriot. Less homework.

See you out there.

He’s already prepared a statement.

01 / Supply the confidence

Patriot Provisions

Choose a shirt from the collection above. He considers it formal attire.

Browse the shop
02 / Read the statement

X

Brief statements. Lengthy self-congratulations.

Read the latest
03 / Wait for the punchline

TikTok

A little setup. A big reveal. You know the guy.

Watch the videos
04 / Join the conversation

Bluesky

Fresh cartoons. Confident opinions. Same guy.

See the posts